Ethics of relationships and relationships in general

In my musings yesterday about what I should blog about, I brought up the topics of ethics in relationships. This is something that interests me, albeit some aspects of it are somewhat academic and/or theoretical to me. As I mentioned in yesterdays post, I have never had what one could call an intimate relationship with a member of either my own or another gender. Keep this in mind when reading the post.

I have had friendships which I tried to change into relationships to the detriment of all parties involved. Four times I have destroyed friendships in such a manner. If my impulsive act in December leads to the same result it ups the number of friendships destroyed to 5. In hindsight, my behavior was inappropriate but I am starting to wonder if it was not also unethical. That is also part of what I would like to think about in this post.

However the difference between me now and me 10-2 years ago is that I have gone through several growth experiences, that I hope have given me sufficient understanding about the issues involved to act slightly more *dignified*.

Perhaps this will save a friendship that I fear has been wounded through what essentially boils down to a feeling of entitlement on my behalf. Such is the dream of course. My own perceptions of myself could be deliberately blinding me to my own flaws, where I dream I have conquered the monster but in reality the monster has conquered me. Sort of like a human rootkit.

I would like to point out to the guys reading this that while women are fully our equals in every field the expectations of society have shaped all the women we know in certain ways. I would advise them to consider the following the Male Privilege Checklist to gain insight into how different the expectations of society shape men and women. What is worse is that many of these expectations are seen as being "natural" and "the one true way" instead of being social constructs which arose due to circumstances reigning at the time.

Also something I have seen to be brought into discussions about gender and gender roles is that of the bell curve. Women are said to be emphatic and men are said to be aggressive. However if we plot aggressiveness and empathy on a bell curve it would reveal that the average man or woman are far closer to each other than they are to the extremes within their own gender. E.g. My natural emphatic ability would be only slightly less than that of the average woman and my level of aggression would only be slightly higher than hers. My aggression would still be substantially less that the woman who makes up the top percentile of the female bell curve on aggression and similarly the emphatic abilities of the top percentile men would be much more than that of the average women.

The simpler version of the above would read "We are all individuals and the ways in which we respond to the world differ but we are closer to the average person of the opposite gender than we are to the extremes in our own". Hence stereotyping men as aggressive and women as empathic helps no one.

Another problem in relationships is that of entitlement. Entitlement is a insidious disease, one that I have in the past succumbed to far to often. Yet it also plays a role in relationships, romantic or otherwise. The feeling that "I have done this for you, you need to do this for me in return, or that you need to give me this because I am special" is rife throughout human interaction.

To illustrate what a sense of entitlement may lead to is the following (Warning Graphic and Disturbing) in the link, a woman is anally raped by her partner to the extent that she ends up in hospital. Now he is sorry. His threat of wanting to commit suicide is simple manipulation through emotional blackmail. What she should tell this guy is to go ahead and kill himself. Some things are unforgivable.

Or an even worse case of entitlement. Some would say that this case is lesser than the one before, I say no, it is worse. Consider the rape case made against the current deputy president of the ANC, Jacob Zuma (yes I am trying to Google bomb).

Without going into too much detail let us consider the ethics of the actions he took. He admits to having unprotected sex with a woman while being married to two other women. He willfully exposed the other two women in his life whom he apparently loves enough to marry to HIV infection.

Quite literally he was not only playing Russian roulette with his own head but that of the two women he married as well. Mr Zuma your desire to have sex with a woman more than half your age is not more important than the health of the women you married.

Remember the above is not even in contention. This is what he said happened. Personally I think he is guilty of rape and his ethical lapses of such a magnitude that everyone should ignore him. That this has not been done is I think a chilling indictment of the society in which we live.

I shall continue in this vein tomorrow.

Daily Tally
Weight = 100kg +/-
M = 0

First Blog Entry 2007

I have wondered what to blog about. Glenn Greenwald has the wiretap and other US constitutional issues, Amanda Marcotte has feminism, the guys over at Sadly No! have sarcasm, Prof PZ has his squid and the creationists, Riverbend has her collapsing country and the great war of error to blog about, Phil Plait has the universe itself as his blogging subject. So what will be MY issue?

My own life, is relatively speaking, quite dull. Very happy, but dull. Sure I have my hobbies, but they are of little interest to others and oddly enough I do not seem to require the applause of others. I practise my hobbies because I enjoy them, not because I want to be praised for them. I am also a markedly solitary individual. So my life would not make a thrilling reading.

Even my romantic interests would not make for worthwhile reading. I am 25 year old man who has managed not to have had sex in what it supposed to be only the most sexual free-wheeling age of all time (if you listen to the sniffs of the un-approving moralists at least) despite not having any special desire to remain a virgin. Quite the reverse in fact as I have always considered myself something of a hedonist.

Indeed, the only romance in my life occurs when my faulty faculties mislead me into thinking that perhaps person X would be interested in progressing beyond the current level. Infallibly my imagination has been mocking me. In fact, in December I did make such an inappropriate advance, acting upon the promptings of my malevolent imagination. It was awkward, for all involved, and as yet it is uncertain what the fallout will be. Akward, yes. Interesting; not very.

I would also have ethical concerns regarding privacy about blogging about my life and romance. Romances (and other social events) involve two or more people so how can I expose the doings of others without overstepping the boundaries of ethics. Perhaps tomorrow I will blog about the ethics of relationships and intersex/male/female interactions. Watch this space tomorrow to see if I decide to open that can of worms.

Perhaps then I could write about my culture? The ethos and pathos of being an Afrikaner? However I am now, and have always, been a cultural outsider. So my views about it would merely be another ill-informed rant clogging the internet.

Perhaps I could write about my Atheism? A contentious subject indeed, as many people would be shocked to know that I am an atheist. Why they would be shocked is difficult for me to fathom. After all many people are atheistic about Zeus or the FSM, I merely extend my atheism to cover to include the one they make exception for.

Perhaps I could write about rationality? The pronounced lack of reason in world and personal affairs is what leads to -in my own not very humble opinion- the majority of suffering in the world. Witness the Iraq front of the Great War of Error (GWE), a war held for a purpose that remains obscure to this day, taking a country that was functioning and turning it into one that is almost as broken as Zimbabwe. However I feel ill-equipped to deal with such a topic. It seems unlikely that the world will ever give up believing in invisible friends in the sky and I do not have the skills or the desire to meddle with the minds of others. I am not the prophet of Reason.

Perhaps I could write about South Africa? I do after live in the country and will most likely share in its ultimate fate. Again, I feel as if I can not make it work. The arguments I would use are too similar to those used by the fascist theocrats of the “American” right wing. They have misused the arguments and viewpoints with such reckless abandon that merely using similar arguments would -in my own eyes at least- taint me with a patina of corruption. Gilt by association one could say. The important difference, that of context would be lost in the world of the wired. What is true here, is not true there.

The solution then is for me not to have a chosen blog topic, but rather to move from one to another as the mood strikes. So lets see how that works out.

Tally
100kg +/-
M = 2

A new year and a new start to this blog.

Why blog at all?

I have five reasons why I would spent the time and effort required by a blog.

1) To share ones thoughts and feelings
2) To act to improve the world (For example, reading Pandagon and other feminist blogs have given me insight into how different the world is for women, and that insight has hopefully helped me become a better person)
3) To educate others about important matters (Glenn Greenwald regard the warrantless wiretapping practiced by the Bush Administration)
4) To improve ones skills as a communicator in the online world
5) To keep in touch with friends (In the offline world my communications are often misunderstood, this blog might enable my friends to understand me better)

My resolutions for the year 2007

• Post a blog entry of at least 250 words each day
• Become financially successful
• Reach and maintain a weight of 85kg through healthy eating
• Have some form of daily exercise
• Complete novel provisionally titled “Forget Yesterday”
• Scan and organise grandfather’s slides
• Organise library
• Learn html and php
• Be a more ethical and honest person
• Complete plans, calculations and costing for ZIH (Zero Input House)
• Give serious consideration with regards to future direction of life i.e. desirability of romantic relationship and the likelyhood thereof.
• Complete my Honours Degree
  
• Enrol for second degree in either law, architecture, film direction, commerce or the sciences

My fears for 2007

Friendships – In 2006 several friendships ended, some rather abruptly. I am afraid that several of my remaining friends have misconceptions regarding who I am and that, as their perception of me becomes more thorough, through revelations on this blog might they might choose to reject me. However I will not live a lie. I will go down flying my colours to the end

Financial ruination – The year 2006 made clear to me how fragile life is, a series of small disasters can easily lead to financial ruination, yet it is impossible to be protected against all disasters.

Death – In South Africa there exists a myriad ways in which one, or those whom one loves, can be easily shuffled off this mortal coil and there does not exist a culture of life in our country, I fear for my own life and that of all who I hold dear.

To bed with me!

Daily Tally
Weight = 100kg
M = 2